A good friend once asked me, on the face of two possibilities: would I rather say goodbye crying, or fighting. And I remember saying whimsically, I’d rather say goodbye fighting, because that day, we were crying.
I guess I never quite took the time to explain to him why I said what I had said. And though I never quite regret missing the chance to do so, for I believe that things happen for a reason, and that they come in their own good times, I wished I had made more effort to explain myself.
My dear friend, that day was the second time we said goodbye. And no matter how we tried to make it a ‘see you again’, it still felt a lot like goodbye. And that was the second time we said goodbye in tears. At that point of time, there lied ahead a possibility to try something different, to do something we had never done before. It meant another chance to meet again and enjoy our friendship, but it also meant an opportunity to strengthen it or a risk of destroying it.
For me, I’d rather take the chance. If that means knowing you a tiny bit better, pushing the limit of our relationship a bit further, I’ll take the chance. I always believe, possibly wrongly, that it is in dealing with conflict, our real selves come into play.
Are we forgiving? Are we humble enough to say ‘I’m sorry’? Are we graceful enough to hold our temper in check? Are we strong enough to take whatever it is need to be said to us and move on? Are we loving enough to let it pass and look at the good times? Are we honest enough to say what we need to say? Are we patient enough to caress the wound and give it time to heal? Are we tough enough to know that we would heal?
I wear my scars with pride, knowing that what doesn’t kill me makes me strong, to quote your words. I cannot tell you that I survived them all, no, as a matter of fact, I did not survive them all. And never, ever ever, I went through a relationship unscathed. But as much as anything else, relationships are mirrors to ourselves. As much as learning about others, I had been through invaluable lessons of looking into my relationships and seeing the ugly reflection that was me. But learning to deal with it, make peace, and move on, has been the greatest lesson of all.
And you, I love you enough to know, that I will survive whatever happens between us, of course, except losing you. Maybe I did not tell you that enough. Or maybe, you don’t believe it enough. Maybe I had pushed the limit a tiny bit too far for you.
Today, I am letting you go. Hoping that setting you free means setting you free to come back to me. Wishing you would remember, that third goodbye felt a lot like a ‘see you again’, and didn’t we want that in the first place?
15/08/2009
‘ pakai abaya dan jalaaaaan.
We were cleared.
