footprints of life

A couple of days ago, I happened to be in a conversation that would haunt me for days.  I was with a couple of male friends, both of them married, and in their early thirties. As we were discussing about my coming wedding, one of them, let’s call him Mr. X, asked a somewhat simple question to me, "If you look at yourself, would you consider this wedding to come early in life, late, or just in time?"

As I was sitting on the back seat of the car, while both of the were on the front seats, they couldn’t really see my face as I was pondering the question.  But before I opened my mouth, the other guy, Mr. Z, already responded with another question, "What do you mean?"

So then, this conversation followed:

Mr.X:  I mean, when I looked at myself, I think I got married quite early..

Mr.Z: What do you mean by early, in age, or you only had a short time to get to know her before deciding?

Mr. X:  No, I mean, by age.  I think I never thought that I would get married already at that age, and I think that fact also surprised some of my friends, you know… that I settled down ‘early’.

Me (err… let me call myself Ms. Y, hahaha) :  Yeah, I can see that.  I mean, not that you’re never serious about life, but I can see that you might not fit into the typical guy who settles down early in life.

Mr. Z:  For me, I think I got married quite late for my standard.

Mr. X:  Hence the question, how about you, Y?  What do you think about marrying at this age?

And before I had the chance to respond, again, Mr. Z quickly answered,

Mr.Z :  I think for a girl, marrying in this age is quite late.  Normally, women in her age are already married for some years, and even have children.

Mr. X: I am not talking about ‘normally’, I am talking about measuring oneself against one’s goals in life, does she think that she gets married at the right time, at the time she wants, or plans, to get married.

Mr. Z :  I still think this age is quite late for a woman to get married.

And err… guys, I was STILL SITTING there behind you, comprende? But we arrived at our destination before I could answer, so we left the conversation at that.

But it was an interesting question to start with, if you measure yourself, would you think that the things that happen to you in life, the choices you make, the events, opportunities, changes, come to early, just right or too late? 

And I am wondering how many people are actually thinking about it, about how they measure themselves. Not according to parents’ expectation, society expectation, what is ‘normal’, or whatever it is the name we attach to ‘conformity’. 

How many people actually ask themselves, am I ready for this?  Do I really want to take this decision, that will change my life, for the better hopefully, now?  Does it fit into the kind of life I want to have?  Do I really need to take control of everything in my life, or is it time to let go a bit and let my life takes its own course?  Am I ready to take the plunge, knowing that there is no guarantee that everything will work out fine?

Anything, anything in life… be it graduating, getting a job, getting a new job, first boy/girlfriend, first kiss, making commitments, breaking up, virginity, moving to a new place, making investments, getting married, having children, going back to school, traveling, quitting a job… any choice, any decision… Is it too early, just right, or too late, in our own scheme of time? Is this the life you want to experience?  Is this the person you want to see in the mirror the next morning?  Do you really listen to what YOU want to do and WHEN you want to do it?

And as the answer I never got to give, I think it’s just in time.  At times, I tend to think it’s a bit too early (an answer that would make my mother turn in her grave - her being the traditional, typical Javanese woman she was), but I think it’s a good time to start a new challenge in life.  I am not saying I am fully ready for whatever comes as the consequence of this choice, but I can say that I think I have sufficient base to take the decision, and take the plunge. And honestly, I do think sometimes, it’s about time.

Sana’a, October 2, 2009.

PS: Thanks AB for the intriguing philosophical question, and at least that day I know that people who think the way I think are not that rare. 

Moving places, and homes, is always a good exercise.  That’s what I heard from some people, and what I refused to believe, until lately.

Moving is always a painful activity, since by the end of whatever months or years staying in one place, I end up getting really confused on where the h*** all those things had come from, hahaha.  I do realize that I am a bit of a hoarder, thinking that those things will someday come in handy, yeah….something unforeseen could always happen, right?  And being cash strapped, you can never waste anything that could still be used, or could still be possibly used….someday.

It is true that money makes life easier.  Definitely.  I am not trying to be a hypocrite and say that it’s not true.  What is interesting, is that money makes it easier to stop being a hoarder.  You know, keeping that extra pieces of paper that might come in handy in like… never(?), that extra pen that could still work if we get the right refill… one day(?), pushing those cute shirts to the corner hoping that we could shrink to fit in err…. ten years (?)… Knowing that we can afford to buy those things WHEN we actually need them, really helps to learn to let go of all the things that MIGHT come in handy, SOMEDAY.

Moving on from one life to another, it always hurts to pack those things, going through the memories each thing holds, knowing that we cannot hold on to them, the things, the memories, the life.  But the best memories stay within my heart, that’s something I learn from moving on.  

But now…. I have to learn to deal with others who have not learnt the lessons I learnt, hahaha.  Trying to sort through things to move into a new house, and finding out that there are so many things that we could live without, and we had lived without for the last five years - at least, filling up every possible corners. And knowing, that getting rid of them will bring pain to the people I really care about

Letting go of earthly possession, and holding on to the ones in the heart… how difficult..

Salatiga, 20/08/2009

(English version below)

Rasanya klise mengatakan bahwa segala sesuatu yang dilakukan dengan cinta, pasti akan menghasilkan sesuatu yang baik adanya.  Tetapi dari hari ke hari, mungkin memang segala hal yang terdengar klise itulah yang ternyata telah teruji dengan waktu dan pengalaman manusia.

Orang tidak perlu selalu berbakat, dan cerdas, dan hebat, untuk bisa melakukan hal-hal yang luar biasa.  Bahkan, mungkin definisi ‘hal-hal luar biasa’ itu sendiri selalu terbuka dan subyektif.  

Jangan takut untuk mencoba hal baru.  Jangan takut akan kegagalan.  Jangan takut untuk terlihat lebih lemah dari orang lain.  Jangan takut untuk kalah.

Lakukanlah semua dengan cinta.  Dan apa yang kaulakukan akan menjadi hebat.  Hebat dengan caramu sendiri.  Mungkin tidak hebat untuk ukuran orang lain.  Mungkin tidak luar biasa untuk ukuran normal dunia.  Tetapi terkadang, hal-hal kecil yang sepele di mata dunia, adalah sebuah prestasi bagi diri sendiri.  Berbanggalah.  Berbanggalah pada pilihan yang kauambil, kehebatan yang berhasil kaubuktikan pada diri sendiri.  

Lakukanlah dengan cinta.  Maka cintamu akan menjadi kekuatan dan inspirasi.  Lakukanlah dengan cinta, karena itu akan membuatmu bahagia.

With love

It sounds like a cliché when we say that everything done with love, will always produce something good.  But as days gone by, probably all the clichés are there because they have been proven through time and experience.

We don’t have to be that talented, smart and great to produce extraordinary things.  We might even need to redefine “greatness” itself, because it is always open and subjective.

Don’t be afraid to try new things.  Don’t be afraid to fail.  Don’t be afraid to look weaker than others.  Don’t be afraid to lose.

Do everything with love.  And whatever you do will be great.  You will be great in your own ways.  Probably you are not great for others.  Probably what you do is not extraordinary in the eyes of the world.  But sometimes, a small thing in the eyes of the world is an achievement for yourself.  Be proud.  Be proud of your own choices, the greatness that you have proven to yourself.

Do everything with love.  Your love will become your strength and inspiration.  Do everything with love, because it will bring you happiness.

That day I asked you, what your dreams are, or were, or had been, or have been…..  And it took some time before you actually started.  Probably you thought it was a ’schtupid’ question, probably you thought your answers would be ’schtupid’ answers.  But the truth is, I was just dying to hear you talk about yourself.

And do you remember what I told you in return?  How I ended up talking for hours about how I believe that my dreams will come true, no matter how long it takes, and how winding the roads to get there will be?  And how close I was to thinking that I was just being ridiculous and was more than ready to abandon everything, and be ‘normal’?

I am not a great person.  I am not a very successful person.  I am not always happy.  I don’t have tons of money in my account.  I am not famous.  I don’t even have more than 10 friends. But those things were not my dreams.

I am a teacher, or at least, had been one.  I grew up thinking that I want to be a teacher.  And I grew up to become one.  I taught Javanese in the USA.  Take that

Along my journey, I once thought, how interesting it would be, if I could work as a translator and interpreter.  It sounds like a challenging and equally rewarding thing to do.  And years later, years and years later, at a point when I actually forgot that I had thought about that…. I actually became one.  I became a translator and interpreter.

This one thing fulfilled not only one, but two thoughts that I thought were wishful thinking.  I was thinking how wonderful it would be, to be able to work for a non governmental organization, working and thinking that you could make a difference.  That you have a place in the world in which what you do is not only for yourself.  And I became a translator for an NGO.

I dance.  I danced as a child.  I danced abroad.  I danced.  It made me happy.  I danced Javanese dance in the USA.  ‘Nuff said.

I write.  I am not a very good writer.  I ended up writing sappy poems about myself, what I went through.  About good days, and bad days…. About people I love, I hate, people I would love to hate.  One poem got included in an anthology.  That is enough, at least for me.

I made friends. Not a lot of them.  But I made friends.

I love.  I love my life.  I love through the words I said to you.  I love through the smile I wear on my lips.  I love through the rhythm of the dances I performed.  I love through the classes I went to.  And I have been loved in return. 

I wish I could tell you, how much it meant to me when you told me that I inspired you.  Because today, I am sitting here, writing this letter to you, wishing that I could say exactly the same thing to every single person who have been inspiring me. 

Every single one of them.

Some people drove me with pain, longing, rejection, and the thought that I should never let anyone made me go through that pain ever again.  Some people made me hate them so much that I was more than eager to prove that I am worthy of their respect.

But you know, they are not the ones who got me traveling the furthest distance.  Anger only gets you so far. 

I met people who believed in me.  Saying small things to encourage me.  Giving me positive energy to go on, and focusing on what I did right, not the ones I did wrong.  And don’t ask me when I started focusing on the positivism instead of the negativity, I wish I could tell you.  They held my hands.  They caressed my heart.  They fed my soul.  And made me believe that I do have something good to contribute to LIFE. 

Let me hold your hands today.  I cannot tell you that you can make it through.  I cannot tell you how long this pain will last, until you find your peace, your piece, and your place in the world.  I cannot tell you if it ever ends.  All I can tell you is that I am still working on it, but I know I can make it through.  But not alone.

And let me pay my due, by being there for you, in my own small ways, hoping that I can inspire you.

Believe in yourself, and find your dreams.

Life is not easy.  We are not meant to sail it through.  We are meant to fight.  But we are not meant to fight for nothing.  We are not meant to experience only pain.  We are meant to be happy.  We are meant to be meaningful.  We are who we are for a reason.  And that reason, is the one we should find.

Let me be your hero.  If only for a day.  If only for a week.  If only for a month.  A year.  A decade.  A lifetime. 

If there is love in the world, find it.  Focus on it.  Because this difficult life is too precious to see with a pair of dark glasses.  Open your heart to the positive vibes that the world sends your direction.

Remember, I love you.  Let’s grow up together. Stand for each other.  Isn’t that what friends are for?

Somebody had just told me how he thought I was an outgoing and bubbly personality… another said that she loved the fact that no matter what, all my pictures always show me smiling, or even…laughing.

I got recruited to become a salsa instructor because of "the attitude, energy and smile that you always bring into the sessions…", and on a farewell note a senior instructor wrote that they will miss ‘the radiant smile".  What they never knew was that I always smiled it off whenever I made a wrong step, missed a lead… and being a beginner, that happened A LOT

All in all, it is a mystery, to me.  People always laugh at me whenever I tell them that I have always had this self image of this little shy girl, standing somewhere near the corner in every place where there are more than 4 people in it.  They thought I was trying to make a wry joke.  Truth is, that IS the way I see myself, and time and time again, I am always surprised to see how people react to the SMILE.  And sometimes, I don’t want to smile.  As I was sitting through my farewell parties, last conversations with people who are very dear to me, all I want to do is break down and cry, but I can’t.  And all the photos showed just that, a big smile across my face, while I am crying inside.

Over a year ago, somebody told me how amazed he was to see how I kept smiling in the middle of a really harsh discussion, while I kept raising my voice to match the angry crowd.  See, I didn’t want to smile.  And if an expert could have seen a picture of me that day, he/she would have seen my eyes dead angry, but the smile…still there.

Years ago, two professors told me that I could make a great teacher simply for the fact that I have a "smiling face" … huh?? And I thought they meant that I was chubby…. LOL

Am I a fake?  Is there some sort of a defense system called "smile to everything"?

Smile brought me so much luck and opportunities.  But there are times when I feel so crappy inside and just wish that people see that fragile creature inside of me, but they couldn’t go pass the smile.

I love my life. I love me.  I love the fact that a part of me as simple as a smile bought me the world, literally. But I do still have that childhood dream of becoming that mysterious person everyone is dying to uncover? hahahaha… yeah right… me and mysterious? dream on…

And for you…. I smile.

Ann Arbor, April 25, 2009

wah, rasanya telat banget nulis postingan ini.  tapi mungkin nggak ada salahnya juga dituangkan.

beberapa kali aku ditanyai, bahkan oleh masku sendiri, apa resolusiku tahun ini, tahun 2009. bahkan ketika sambil bercanda dia bilang kalau resolusinya adalah ‘menikah tahun ini’, aku cuma bisa nyengir.  kenapa? apakah karena aku nggak punya rencana, bayangan, angan-angan, atau sekedar nggak punya semangat?  nggak dong. jawaban dari pertanyaan itu ada pada refleksi tahun 2008 yang sudah lewat.

tahun 2008 penuh dengan kejutan, hampir semuanya manis, tapi semuanya sangat, sangat, sangat mengejutkan.

dari tahun yang kuawali dengan kembali ke Banda Aceh untuk meneruskan pekerjaannku di salah satu organisasi internasional, tiba-tiba aku dihadapkan pada pertanyaan pelik, maukah aku mengikuti masku pindah tugas ke sebuah negara antah berantah di Jazirah Arab, yang berarti pula sebuah konsekuensi sosial: menikah.  

ketika akhirnya sampai pada kesimpulan, oke, tiba-tiba muncul berita baru yang memberikan aku sebuah kesempatan sekali seumur hidup untuk menghabiskan waktu selama 9 bulan di AS, sementara kontrak masku sudah ditandatangani untuk berangkat ke Sana’s, Yaman.

dalam waktu 3 bulan, kami memaksakan mempersiapkan diri untuk merenovasi rumah, mempersiapkan kepindahan ke Amerika dan Yaman, pada waktu yang bersamaan.

semuanya serba tak terduga.

di Michigan, aku larut dalam rutinitas baru yang mengasyikkan.  bertemu teman-teman baru, berbagi pengalaman baru.  tadinya aku berangkat dengan bayangan semua akan sedikit mengerikan, tapi ternyata tidak. aku berharap masih punya waktu di luar kegiatan akademis untuk mulai menari lagi (nari apa aja), menulis dan belajar fotografi.

bulan November 2008, satu puisiku ikut terbit dalam majalah sastra kelompok penulis kampus, aku diberi tahu bahwa tahun 2009 aku direkrut sebagai asisten pengajar di klub salsa yang aku ikuti, dan kemampuan fotografiku….NOL BESAR.

jawabanku atas resolusiku tahun 2009, to make the best of things, as always.  karena kehidupan selalu membukakan pintu dan jendela kalau kita membuka indera lebar-lebar, dan selalu tersenyum.  ada banyak hal tak terencana yang terjadi, dan semuanya indah adanya.  ada harapan yang terpenuhi, ada kekecewaan yang harus dihadapi, dan yang jelas akan selalu ada pilihan yang harus diambil.  selalu tersenyum, dan dunia akan menolongmu.

Ann Arbor, 01.23.2009

apa sih yang disebut kejutan itu… mestinya adalah hal-hal yang mengejutkan, ya to…kalau nggak mengejutkan ya namanya bukan kejutan.  (lha berarti kado ultah itu mestinya bukan kejuta, hehehe, karena pasti sudah ditunggu-tunggu ke’datangan’nya…)

baru dua hari balik dari Washington DC, jadi pengen curhat beberapa kejutan kecil yang kutemukan di sana…

1.  hotel yang keren berarti no free wifi, hahahaha.  dasar mahasiswa, masuk ke Hyatt Regency yang cuma 2 blok dari Capitol Hill, langsung kecewa ketika tahu bahwa koneksi wifi harganya 10 dollar untuk 24 jam.  yah, untuk mahasiswa yang notabene udah biasa konek 24 jam gratis di kampus, jadi shock deh.  (sebenarnya di apartemen juga bayar sih, tapi mungkin karena murah jadi ga ngerasa kalau sebenarnya selama ini juga ga gratis tuh wifi…payah kan…)

2.  waiter dan waitress di hotel bintang 5 belum tentu ramah.  

3.  dapat kejutan manis, appetizer dan dessert gratis dari 2 waiter Indonesia waktu makan malam di Singapore Bistro, makasih ya Mas…  (kenapa sangat manis, karena kita bersembilan bo’…. kalau nggratisin 1-2 orang sih biasa…lha ini 9 cewek braok rak karuan, hahahahaha….)

4.   pegawai hispanik Krispy Kreme yang super baik…ditanyain soal stasiun mana yang paling deket ke Lincoln Memorial, dia anterin kami masuk ke stasiun subway, nanyain rutenya sama petugas di sana, dan mintain peta….  wah, sebenarnya kami juga udah tahu rutenya, cuma mau ngecek, siapa tahu orang situ tahu lebih baik…but that was super sweet… and unexpected.

5.   bayangan seseorang tentang diriya sendiri bisa sangat berbeda dengan apa yang dilihat oleh orang lain.  sebenarnya prinsip ini bukan kejutan buatku, tapi melihat kejadian di depan mata tetap terkejut…. bagaimana kedua image ini bisa sangat bertentangan…. wow….

6.  berbicara dengan orang kulit hitam yang mengira bahwa ibunya Obama dari Indonesia *sigh*…

7.  ngobrol seru sama sopir taksi yang kaget karena aku naik taksi dari Hyatt Regency, dan minta diantar ke alamat hostel…. hahahahahaha….. (ya iya lah, Pak, kan Hyatt dibayarin…kalau bayar sendiri yang nge-hostel aja kalee….)

8.  hostel di DC lebih kecil dan staffnya lebih nggak ramah dari hostel yang sama di Chicago (eh, emangnya itu kejutan ya…. kalau dipikir-pikir, nggak juga ya, kan hotel di Jakarta juga nggak lebih ramah dari yang di Salatiga, Jogja atau Semarang….)

9.  ternyata aku ga parah-parah amat kalau baca (dan mengartikan….) peta!!! hahahahaha…. itu kalau bandingannya adalah 7 cewek Indonesia di Amerika….I’m totally not bad….

10.  I am still surprised to be reminded on how insecure I am of myself, my place in the world, making friends…. hm….always something new to learn….

Ann Arbor, Dec 18, 2008