footprints of life

A good friend once asked me, on the face of two possibilities: would I rather say goodbye crying, or fighting. And I remember saying whimsically, I’d rather say goodbye fighting, because that day, we were crying.

I guess I never quite took the time to explain to him why I said what I had said. And though I never quite regret missing the chance to do so, for I believe that things happen for a reason, and that they come in their own good times, I wished I had made more effort to explain myself.

My dear friend, that day was the second time we said goodbye. And no matter how we tried to make it a ‘see you again’, it still felt a lot like goodbye. And that was the second time we said goodbye in tears. At that point of time, there lied ahead a possibility to try something different, to do something we had never done before. It meant another chance to meet again and enjoy our friendship, but it also meant an opportunity to strengthen it or a risk of destroying it.

For me, I’d rather take the chance. If that means knowing you a tiny bit better, pushing the limit of our relationship a bit further, I’ll take the chance. I always believe, possibly wrongly, that it is in dealing with conflict, our real selves come into play.

Are we forgiving? Are we humble enough to say ‘I’m sorry’? Are we graceful enough to hold our temper in check? Are we strong enough to take whatever it is need to be said to us and move on? Are we loving enough to let it pass and look at the good times? Are we honest enough to say what we need to say? Are we patient enough to caress the wound and give it time to heal? Are we tough enough to know that we would heal?

I wear my scars with pride, knowing that what doesn’t kill me makes me strong, to quote your words. I cannot tell you that I survived them all, no, as a matter of fact, I did not survive them all. And never, ever ever, I went through a relationship unscathed. But as much as anything else, relationships are mirrors to ourselves. As much as learning about others, I had been through invaluable lessons of looking into my relationships and seeing the ugly reflection that was me. But learning to deal with it, make peace, and move on, has been the greatest lesson of all.

And you, I love you enough to know, that I will survive whatever happens between us, of course, except losing you. Maybe I did not tell you that enough. Or maybe, you don’t believe it enough. Maybe I had pushed the limit a tiny bit too far for you.

Today, I am letting you go. Hoping that setting you free means setting you free to come back to me. Wishing you would remember, that third goodbye felt a lot like a ‘see you again’, and didn’t we want that in the first place?

15/08/2009

Last weekend I was really fortunate, because a very nice lady took me to a Sana’ani wedding party, errr… a LADIES Wedding Party, to be exact.

a LADIES wedding party?  And what on earth does that mean? Ladies and Gentlemen, that simply means that there are separate parties for female guests and male guests, and not only there are two parties, there are MULTIPLE parties for each gender group, so I don’t think you would even need to bother pulling out that electronic calculator…. these wedding parties are simply super duper expensive.

Anyway, after going through a panic attack for not having anything proper to wear and making a quick stop at a shoe shop and get myself a pair of silver peep-toe shoes (yeah, you read it right : SILVER PEEP TOE HIGH HEELED SHOES), I was finally resigned with the fact that I might be seriously underdressed in one of the notoriously festive Sana’ani weeding parties.

I put on my abaya, and head to the front gate when I heard a car honking up front.  

After a five minute drive, we finally arrived at the venue, and what a long line of cars!!! I had to leave both of my phones with my friend’s driver because she forgot to tell me that we are not allowed to bring anything with camera on it inside the venue.  I saw lines and lines of cars opening their doors, and letting out ladies in in black shrouds, who are then moving swiftly from the car to the security check.  Presenting the small pieces of invitation (there are color coded coupons inside the usual invitation card for different parties on different days… picture THAT) outside the compound was a quick business, and then we were greeted by a pair of female ‘guards’ inside the compound who rummaged through our bags/purses for cameras.

We were cleared.

And LO and BEHOLD!! The first glimpse of the venue was a front hall with chest high mirrors all over the walls, and numerous ladies taking off their abayas and [re]beautifying themselves before entering the party room.  Oh, what a humbling sight!

These beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, and gorgeous (THAT’s how humbling it had been…) ladies clad in exquisite dresses and most impressive statement jewelleries I have ever seen with my own eyes.  But somehow I found that my simple summer dress had made the cut, just made the cut.  And the silver shoes definitely covered my bases.  With the absence of the abovementioned statement jewelleries on any part of my body, I could use any assistance of any bling-bling, believe me.  But then again, I can always get away from the norms, being a foreigner  

After the barely successful attempt of beautifying myself, my friend and I walked into this huge huge hall filled with ladies…ladies….and ladies.  And not one lady looks like the next one.  Up front was an elevated stage decorated in white and pink collumns and fabrics, with a white throne perching gracefully smack in the middle…. empty.

Young ladies danced in front of the stage, moving their bodies and swinging their hair, cascading a loooooong way down their backs - straightened, curled, colored, highlighted; you name it. Vines of pretty little flowered henna tattooes crept up those bare arms, shoulders and backs.

And that’s just the beginning

This posting is way too long already.  So, see you on the next part.

Sana’a, July 5th, 2009.

DISCLAIMER:  The photos on this page ARE NOT actual party attendees, they are just illustrating the kind of dresses you could see (and ehemmm… those you would NEVER see, Gentlemen…) in such parties.  And yes, I saw some versions of these dresses. Pictures are from here.

How many of you actually always have a camera with you?  Or in possession of a cameraphone?

Yup, I saw some hands back there, and also one here.  Ehemmm….probably a bit on the extreme side, I happen to have a small camera AND 2 (two) cameraphones with me in my so-called purse (ugh…hate the word, not to mention that IT couldn’t be called a purse because of its sheer size…let’s call it my handy bag, instead).

And recently, I found one goody thing about having a camera/cameraphone handy…being a girl that is, I can transform it (errr…them..) into an instant visual shopping list, yay!  

The problem started ~ wait, it was not a problem then, it was an opportunity, LOL ~ when I am ’stranded’ in this place, where most of the population doesn’t speak English (nor Indonesian, nor Javanese, in case the earlier statement failed to illustrate how dire my situation had been), and I was (err…actually still am) in a serious need of a pair of nail-clippers.  Yeah, a very simple thing.

My first thought was to run to the nearest pharmacist and ask them if they have anything like that. But then again, what if I can actually find it in a supermarket?  Or cosmetic shop?  Or it is located in some unfathomable department in that ever crowded Shumaila Hari super store (emmm…it’s like the Meijer or Matahari or Carrefour of Sana’a, Yemen)?  Then, where would I end up?  

Next idea was to search an image of the said nail clippers on Google and print it out.  But thanks to the ever present power cut, the images were nicely stored in my hard disc and I had not managed to print them out just yet.

And then it dawned on me some random article on photography knick-knack I read a couple of months back, and I had a revelation.  Dummy! Of course I can take a picture of that picture (err…still following me?), and bring it with me, how smart!

So here I am, with a pair of nail clippers as the wallpaper of my phones, but alas, I have not managed to get to one of those shops, yet.  Thanks to the pile of Arabic homeworks.  Maybe next time.

But hey, a good idea deserves some bragging, right?

In case some of you are interested to see what other ideas are out there, here is the link to the original article about the other uses of your camera. Cheese!

Sana’a, Yemen

June 24, 2009

After trying massage, hot pad, balms…..and simply trying to fall asleep for 2 straight days… and finally, I got a good worth of a good night sleep after popping in 2 caplets of Panadol Extra.  Phew….

Today I realized that my text message inbox had hit over 1000 messages – again.  It’s time to start deleting.

As I went through the messages – some of them contained addresses and details I want to keep, so, yes, I am doing it the hard way – flood of memories surged through my brain.

Thoughts about random Italian dinner prepared by our enthusiastic Italian chef Teresa, appointments on reviewing previous week’s salsa moves with Steve, random notes in three languages with Nat, dancing appointments @ Café Habana with Alicia, confirmation on volunteering activities with Rosana, movies, walks, coffees, cultural festivals, I-love-you-s, see-you-tomorrow-s, good-luck-s, South Park, keg parties, grocery shopping, house on fire, midnight rendezvous, mochi ice cream…. Story of a lifetime fleeted before my eyes.  And what a wonderful life it had been.

And I cannot thank you well enough, though I cannot tell you face to face. 

Thank you for opening the door for me.  Thank you for giving me a chance to create beautiful memories to last me a lifetime.

And to a very dear friend, who magically found me and pushed me over the limit almost 4 years ago, thank YOU.

For none of these would have been possible without ‘the chance meeting’ with you.  If you had not jerked me away from the life I thought I had wanted all along, I would have been another ‘normal’ person, and you were right… I would have been bound to be unhappy.  So…thank you, Gatotkaca.

Though sad I am, not to be able to tell you in person, I am sure you are out there somewhere, inspiring people.  Just the way you had inspired me.

 May 31, 2009

Hey there, please don’t say the L word.

The L word does not have a place in our relationship. You and I, we should never even think of that L word. It is just so out of place.

I know the word used to be so familiar for you, and I guess, for me, too. But I don’t want to hear it, not from you, not anymore.

Don’t you know how dangerous that L word is? Can’t you see how that L word gets into your brain and clouds your judgment? Can’t you see how beautiful the world could be without that L word in your world?

Please promise me, don’t you ever say that L word again… at least, not when you are with me. No, no more of that L word. You simply have no right to say it, not to me, ever ever again.

Because, My Dear, you are not what you thought you were. You deserve so much more…. so so much more, than just that L word.

So, look me in the eye, and say it out loud, “I am a winner. I am strong. I am special, and I deserve to be loved.”

Say this L word, My Dear, not that one. For you deserve to believe this L word, not that one.

Salatiga, May 18, 2009.

Pertanyaan yang bagus, ya… apa salahnya bilang partner?  Nggak ada yang salah sih, tapi di tempat-tempat tertentu, ternyata bisa menimbulkan lirikan mata penuh arti, alis yang terangkat sepersekian millimeter, pertanyaan berputar di kepala orang lain.

Mau tahu?

Salah satu kebiasaanku adalah tidak pernah mengatakan ‘pacar’ alias ‘boyfriend’ ketika berbicara tentang masku.  Alasannya simple aja, sejak pertama jalan, dia sempat bilang bahwa ‘we are kind of too old to say boyfriend/girlfriend’, hahahaha.  Lucu ya, tapi bener juga sih, jadi kami memang jarang aja menyebut satu sama lain sebagai pacar.  Jadi sejak pertama, memang kebiasaan kami menyebut satu sama lain sebagai ‘partner’.

Sekitar setahunan yang lalu, sempat juga sih ada teman dari Jogja yang tanya lewat sms ketika mau ketemuan sama aku dan partnerku, ‘he or she?’, hahaha.  Sempat aneh juga ketika menerima sms itu, masa sih nanya gitu, ketika udah kenal aku bertahun-tahun, tapi yah kumaklumi aja.

Tapi ketika berada di US, pertanyaan terus terang gitu sih tidak pernah terlontar langsung, soalnya kalau di sana kan tidak ‘politically correct’, apalagi urusan orientasi seksual memang bukan urusan orang lain.  Tapi salah satu persitiwa paling menarik adalah ketika aku ikutan rombongan volunteer ke New Orleans, seminggu runtang-runtung bersama 19 orang lain dari berbagai usia dan latar belakang, meskipun semua disatukan oleh hubungan kami dengan University of Michigan. 

Ngobrol punya ngobrol kesana kemari, apalagi naik mobil lebih dari 24 jam dari Ann Arbor ke New Orleans, tentu saja percakapan menyentuh topik-topik pribadi.  Setelah beberapa hari bersama, kerja dari pagi sampai sore bersama, makan bersama, jalan-jalan bersama, tak bisa dihindari muncul pembicaraan tentang pasangan. 

Dan ketika aku mengatakan, ‘My partner was here for winter break, and we went to Las Vegas and Grand Canyon, it was great,’ tiba-tiba kurasakan Mike, salah satu peserta rombongan termuda yang usianya masih di bawah 21, mendongak kaget.  Tanpa bisa menyembunyikan rasa penasaran dan kagetnya, dia jelas-jelas menatap mukaku sambil menaikkan sebelah alisnya.  Aku rada bingung, apanya yang salah ya….  Sepanjang perjalanan yang 24 jam itu, kami duduk sebelahan dan udah ngobrol ngalor ngidul, dan dia udah denger kok soal Vegas, lha kok bingung gitu…

Sepersekian detik kemudian, baru aku menyadari, apa kira-kira yang membuat dia kaget.   Langsung saja kuteruskan kalimatku, ‘Unfortunately HE could not stay in Ann Arbor too long, so I could not show him around,’ sambil kulirik Mike penuh arti.  Rupanya dia menangkap bahwa ‘klarifikasi’ itu memang kutujukan kepadanya.  Dia langsung tertawa lebar, sambil berkata, “Sorry… I was just curious…”

Geli juga sih, tapi mungkin itu juga yang terlintas di kepala beberapa orang yang mungkin tidak terlalu kenal aku dengan baik, dan hanya mendengar aku berbicara tentang “partner”ku.  Beberapa orang yang kenal baik sih menganggap kami sedikit ‘modern’ karena memakai istilah tersebut.

Kadang aku penasaran, kira-kira apa ya, yang terlintas di pikiran mereka kalau saja mereka ngobrolin soal pasangan pas aku pakai mitten-ku yang super warna warni….warna pelangi bo’ (dan waktu beli dikomentarin sama teman deketku yang lagi ambil Masters of Social Work…, “the color is so LGBT”…hahaha….).  Apa nggak tambah bingung mereka…. hahaha….

Jadi kesimpulannya, kalau suka pernak-pernik warna pelangi, dan suka menyebut pasangan sebagai ‘partner’….ehemm….siap-siap aja deh, untuk menjelaskan, “Maksud loe?”

There is nothing wrong to be LGBT, why not.  It is nobody’s business.  But it is interesting on what conclusion do people come to through verbal and non-verbal ‘clues’.