footprints of life

…atau tunangan orang asing, berarti menghadapi pertanyaan-pertanyaan dan komentar-komentar menarik, seperti misalnya:

•  "Orang tua pasti bangga ya, kamu mau menikah sama bule…"
•  "Kamu udah ketemu orang tuanya? Kan orang ****** biasanya rasis."
•  "Nanti waktu penyelidikan kanonik, salah satunya ditanyain, apa motivasi menikah.  Apa bener-bener karena cinta atau kontrak atau apa.  Kan biasa tuh, orang asing kawin sama orang sini untuk bisnis atau apa…"
•  "Ketemunya di mana, Bali?" - dengan sebelah alis naik sedikit
•  "Wah, bagus ya, nanti anaknya bisa jadi bintang film."
•  "Kok bisa sih?"
•  "Dapetnya di mana?"
•  "Dia nggak laku ya di sana?"
•  Dan, serupa tapi dari sumber yang berbeda, komentar yang terakhir ini aku dengar dari mulut seorang pria bule sebelum aku pacaran sama masku yang terakhir ini, dan bahkan waktu itupun aku sudah ternganga mendengarnya, "Cowok bule yang pacaran sama perempuan Asia itu kan ga laku di negaranya, masa sih di sana ga ada cewek."

Reaksi? Senyum aja…sok-sok nggak dengar, hahaha.  Tapi yang menarik adalah melihat berbagai jenis ’stereotype’ yang muncul dalam benak orang ketika melihat sesuatu yang menurut mereka tidak biasa - biasanya kita tidak berkomentar banyak kan, ketika melihat hal yang biasa aja?

(Tapi lucu juga terakhir mendengar cerita saudaraku yang sama-sama pergi ke stasiun sama aku dan masku untuk mengantar saudara lain pergi ke Jakarta:

"Mosok to Mbak, tadi di stasiun ada mbak-mbak gitu, rada-rada gemuk gitu deh orangnya.  Terus to, dia tu ngeliatin kamu sama masmu gitu.  Tadinya to, takkira cuma sekilas aja, ya biasa to… gak taune dia terus ngelirik-ngelirik terus. Dia tu ngeliatin masmu, terus ngeliat kamu… terus ngeliat kamunya dari atas sampe ke bawah gitu lho, mbak… Terus dia liat ke tempat lain, terus nanti curi pandang lagi, ngeliatin kamu lagi gitu, dari atas ke bawah… Aneh banget! Wis arep takparani, meh taktakoni, ‘Kenapa, Mbak, mbak saya cakep ya?’"

Hahaha…. Aku bilang aja, "Mungkin dia terinspirasi, Dek, cewek chubby gitu bisa dapet bule, aku bisa juga kali ya…." hahahaha.)

Menurut kamu, apa sih stereotype yang mendorong munculnya komentar-komentar di atas? Dan apakah kita sendiri sudah ‘bebas’ dari pemikiran-pemikiran semacam itu?  Aku sendiri, jujur, belum.  Jadi layak dan sepantasnya, aku cuma tersenyum, dan memahami.  Meskipun sejatinya, dalam hati menyanyi, "Bule juga manusia…. "

Aku suka Bahasa Indonesia dan Bahasa Jawa, mau tahu karena apa?  Karena dua-duanya memberikan tempat untuk menjadi akrab tanpa terlalu akrab dan asing tanpa terlalu asing.  Ketika sudah berada di sini, baru aku menyadari, betapa asyiknya bisa menyapa orang asing dengan panggilan ‘Mas’, ‘Mbak’, ‘Bang’, ‘Kak’, ‘Pak’ dan ‘Bu’, atau menempelkan sapaan-sapaan itu ke depan nama orang-orang yang kita kenal.  Bahkan kita bisa memakai sapaan-sapaan itu untuk orang yang kita kenal dengan baik, maupun orang yang hampir-hampir asing, seperti penjaga toko.

Di sini, sampai saat ini, aku kok belum menemukan sapaan yang setara dengan itu.  Walhasil, sampai sekarang, aku cuma pernah mendengar diriku disapa dengan dua cara, namaku saja alias njangkar, dan ‘Madam’.  Aduh, rasanya aneh dipanggil begitu.  Sopir kantor di Aceh dulu, yang lebih muda dari aku, panggil aku Mbak, sopir yang sekarang, jauh lebih tua, panggil aku ‘Madam’.  Pembantu di rumah Aceh malah cuma panggil aku pakai nama, eh, di sini, lagi-lagi, ‘Madam’.  Aku kok merasa kayak jadi nyonya besar, hahaha, nggak cocok banget.

Aku juga merasa nggak nyaman memanggil staf kantor, dari Project Manager, sampai sopir dan security hanya dengan nama, aduh… padahal semuanya jauh lebih tua.  Mungkin perlu pembelajaran lebih banyak untuk membiasakan diri pada budaya baru, atau, yang lebih jelas, perlu benar-benar belajar bahasa setempat, siapa tahu menemukan kata-kata yang bisa mengobati kegegaranbudayaku.  Atau mungkin suatu hari nanti, aku hanya perlu menerima, bahwa bahasa di sini memang jauh lebih egaliter daripada bahasaku, siapa tahu…

"perfect timing" is what I call it when I found out that 24 hours after I left home, my watch stopped working, grrrr……. Not that it will be impossible to find replacement batteries out here, but, seriously… why didn’t it stop working back home, where I know exactly where to find them? And a watch is something I can’t live without

A couple of days ago, I happened to be in a conversation that would haunt me for days.  I was with a couple of male friends, both of them married, and in their early thirties. As we were discussing about my coming wedding, one of them, let’s call him Mr. X, asked a somewhat simple question to me, "If you look at yourself, would you consider this wedding to come early in life, late, or just in time?"

As I was sitting on the back seat of the car, while both of the were on the front seats, they couldn’t really see my face as I was pondering the question.  But before I opened my mouth, the other guy, Mr. Z, already responded with another question, "What do you mean?"

So then, this conversation followed:

Mr.X:  I mean, when I looked at myself, I think I got married quite early..

Mr.Z: What do you mean by early, in age, or you only had a short time to get to know her before deciding?

Mr. X:  No, I mean, by age.  I think I never thought that I would get married already at that age, and I think that fact also surprised some of my friends, you know… that I settled down ‘early’.

Me (err… let me call myself Ms. Y, hahaha) :  Yeah, I can see that.  I mean, not that you’re never serious about life, but I can see that you might not fit into the typical guy who settles down early in life.

Mr. Z:  For me, I think I got married quite late for my standard.

Mr. X:  Hence the question, how about you, Y?  What do you think about marrying at this age?

And before I had the chance to respond, again, Mr. Z quickly answered,

Mr.Z :  I think for a girl, marrying in this age is quite late.  Normally, women in her age are already married for some years, and even have children.

Mr. X: I am not talking about ‘normally’, I am talking about measuring oneself against one’s goals in life, does she think that she gets married at the right time, at the time she wants, or plans, to get married.

Mr. Z :  I still think this age is quite late for a woman to get married.

And err… guys, I was STILL SITTING there behind you, comprende? But we arrived at our destination before I could answer, so we left the conversation at that.

But it was an interesting question to start with, if you measure yourself, would you think that the things that happen to you in life, the choices you make, the events, opportunities, changes, come to early, just right or too late? 

And I am wondering how many people are actually thinking about it, about how they measure themselves. Not according to parents’ expectation, society expectation, what is ‘normal’, or whatever it is the name we attach to ‘conformity’. 

How many people actually ask themselves, am I ready for this?  Do I really want to take this decision, that will change my life, for the better hopefully, now?  Does it fit into the kind of life I want to have?  Do I really need to take control of everything in my life, or is it time to let go a bit and let my life takes its own course?  Am I ready to take the plunge, knowing that there is no guarantee that everything will work out fine?

Anything, anything in life… be it graduating, getting a job, getting a new job, first boy/girlfriend, first kiss, making commitments, breaking up, virginity, moving to a new place, making investments, getting married, having children, going back to school, traveling, quitting a job… any choice, any decision… Is it too early, just right, or too late, in our own scheme of time? Is this the life you want to experience?  Is this the person you want to see in the mirror the next morning?  Do you really listen to what YOU want to do and WHEN you want to do it?

And as the answer I never got to give, I think it’s just in time.  At times, I tend to think it’s a bit too early (an answer that would make my mother turn in her grave - her being the traditional, typical Javanese woman she was), but I think it’s a good time to start a new challenge in life.  I am not saying I am fully ready for whatever comes as the consequence of this choice, but I can say that I think I have sufficient base to take the decision, and take the plunge. And honestly, I do think sometimes, it’s about time.

Sana’a, October 2, 2009.

PS: Thanks AB for the intriguing philosophical question, and at least that day I know that people who think the way I think are not that rare.