footprints of life

Hey there, please don’t say the L word.

The L word does not have a place in our relationship. You and I, we should never even think of that L word. It is just so out of place.

I know the word used to be so familiar for you, and I guess, for me, too. But I don’t want to hear it, not from you, not anymore.

Don’t you know how dangerous that L word is? Can’t you see how that L word gets into your brain and clouds your judgment? Can’t you see how beautiful the world could be without that L word in your world?

Please promise me, don’t you ever say that L word again… at least, not when you are with me. No, no more of that L word. You simply have no right to say it, not to me, ever ever again.

Because, My Dear, you are not what you thought you were. You deserve so much more…. so so much more, than just that L word.

So, look me in the eye, and say it out loud, “I am a winner. I am strong. I am special, and I deserve to be loved.”

Say this L word, My Dear, not that one. For you deserve to believe this L word, not that one.

Salatiga, May 18, 2009.

Pertanyaan yang bagus, ya… apa salahnya bilang partner?  Nggak ada yang salah sih, tapi di tempat-tempat tertentu, ternyata bisa menimbulkan lirikan mata penuh arti, alis yang terangkat sepersekian millimeter, pertanyaan berputar di kepala orang lain.

Mau tahu?

Salah satu kebiasaanku adalah tidak pernah mengatakan ‘pacar’ alias ‘boyfriend’ ketika berbicara tentang masku.  Alasannya simple aja, sejak pertama jalan, dia sempat bilang bahwa ‘we are kind of too old to say boyfriend/girlfriend’, hahahaha.  Lucu ya, tapi bener juga sih, jadi kami memang jarang aja menyebut satu sama lain sebagai pacar.  Jadi sejak pertama, memang kebiasaan kami menyebut satu sama lain sebagai ‘partner’.

Sekitar setahunan yang lalu, sempat juga sih ada teman dari Jogja yang tanya lewat sms ketika mau ketemuan sama aku dan partnerku, ‘he or she?’, hahaha.  Sempat aneh juga ketika menerima sms itu, masa sih nanya gitu, ketika udah kenal aku bertahun-tahun, tapi yah kumaklumi aja.

Tapi ketika berada di US, pertanyaan terus terang gitu sih tidak pernah terlontar langsung, soalnya kalau di sana kan tidak ‘politically correct’, apalagi urusan orientasi seksual memang bukan urusan orang lain.  Tapi salah satu persitiwa paling menarik adalah ketika aku ikutan rombongan volunteer ke New Orleans, seminggu runtang-runtung bersama 19 orang lain dari berbagai usia dan latar belakang, meskipun semua disatukan oleh hubungan kami dengan University of Michigan. 

Ngobrol punya ngobrol kesana kemari, apalagi naik mobil lebih dari 24 jam dari Ann Arbor ke New Orleans, tentu saja percakapan menyentuh topik-topik pribadi.  Setelah beberapa hari bersama, kerja dari pagi sampai sore bersama, makan bersama, jalan-jalan bersama, tak bisa dihindari muncul pembicaraan tentang pasangan. 

Dan ketika aku mengatakan, ‘My partner was here for winter break, and we went to Las Vegas and Grand Canyon, it was great,’ tiba-tiba kurasakan Mike, salah satu peserta rombongan termuda yang usianya masih di bawah 21, mendongak kaget.  Tanpa bisa menyembunyikan rasa penasaran dan kagetnya, dia jelas-jelas menatap mukaku sambil menaikkan sebelah alisnya.  Aku rada bingung, apanya yang salah ya….  Sepanjang perjalanan yang 24 jam itu, kami duduk sebelahan dan udah ngobrol ngalor ngidul, dan dia udah denger kok soal Vegas, lha kok bingung gitu…

Sepersekian detik kemudian, baru aku menyadari, apa kira-kira yang membuat dia kaget.   Langsung saja kuteruskan kalimatku, ‘Unfortunately HE could not stay in Ann Arbor too long, so I could not show him around,’ sambil kulirik Mike penuh arti.  Rupanya dia menangkap bahwa ‘klarifikasi’ itu memang kutujukan kepadanya.  Dia langsung tertawa lebar, sambil berkata, “Sorry… I was just curious…”

Geli juga sih, tapi mungkin itu juga yang terlintas di kepala beberapa orang yang mungkin tidak terlalu kenal aku dengan baik, dan hanya mendengar aku berbicara tentang “partner”ku.  Beberapa orang yang kenal baik sih menganggap kami sedikit ‘modern’ karena memakai istilah tersebut.

Kadang aku penasaran, kira-kira apa ya, yang terlintas di pikiran mereka kalau saja mereka ngobrolin soal pasangan pas aku pakai mitten-ku yang super warna warni….warna pelangi bo’ (dan waktu beli dikomentarin sama teman deketku yang lagi ambil Masters of Social Work…, “the color is so LGBT”…hahaha….).  Apa nggak tambah bingung mereka…. hahaha….

Jadi kesimpulannya, kalau suka pernak-pernik warna pelangi, dan suka menyebut pasangan sebagai ‘partner’….ehemm….siap-siap aja deh, untuk menjelaskan, “Maksud loe?”

There is nothing wrong to be LGBT, why not.  It is nobody’s business.  But it is interesting on what conclusion do people come to through verbal and non-verbal ‘clues’.

Just a random note.  A small conversation with a good friend of mine a couple of weeks ago.

He told me that he had just recently experienced falling in love.  How sweet    I was really happy for him.  But that’s not what I want to write about.

It was a bit unfortunate that he fell in love with someone who was leaving his country, LOL…rings a bell?  That’s the problem when you are involved with people internationally, sorry dude.  But then he said that one thing he took away from the short ‘affair’ was that he came to appreciate and respect sappy couples.  Eh?

Yeah, sappy couples who couldn’t get off of each other.  Holding hands.  Wrapping their arms around each other. Kissing in public. Can’t seem to get enough of touching each other.   (Err….please remember that the context is the USA…not Indonesia, okay?)

At first, I was laughing out loud the first time he said that.  Well, honestly, I am among those people who look at those sappy couples with a bit of a critical eye.  I remember the first time I saw people kissing in a public park in Brussels, and how I shrank away from the sight.  But then I realized, that from time to time, I would envy them.  I did, I did envy those people.

The thoughts of being young, spontaneous, expressive and in love.  I envy them.  I know that in most cases, in various places where I had lived in, those things are not applicable. 

But from time to time, I am asking myself, are we (my partner and I) so ‘trainable’?  We spent years of dating period either being away from each other, or being in a place where ‘being close’ carries so much more of other significance than just being in love.  Are we so trainable that being physically close to my own partner in public feels rather ‘wrong’? 

Sometimes I am wondering, what do people see when people see us together?  What does our body language say about our relationship?

Oh, I almost forgot, the reason why my friend became more respectful to sappy couples was because he himself became rather sappy towards the end of the relationship.  I sure understand, she flew half way across the world, away from him, with no logical ways of possibly ever seeing each other again.  Oh well, that’s love.  And oh… how I miss my good friend…      

(English version below)

Rasanya klise mengatakan bahwa segala sesuatu yang dilakukan dengan cinta, pasti akan menghasilkan sesuatu yang baik adanya.  Tetapi dari hari ke hari, mungkin memang segala hal yang terdengar klise itulah yang ternyata telah teruji dengan waktu dan pengalaman manusia.

Orang tidak perlu selalu berbakat, dan cerdas, dan hebat, untuk bisa melakukan hal-hal yang luar biasa.  Bahkan, mungkin definisi ‘hal-hal luar biasa’ itu sendiri selalu terbuka dan subyektif.  

Jangan takut untuk mencoba hal baru.  Jangan takut akan kegagalan.  Jangan takut untuk terlihat lebih lemah dari orang lain.  Jangan takut untuk kalah.

Lakukanlah semua dengan cinta.  Dan apa yang kaulakukan akan menjadi hebat.  Hebat dengan caramu sendiri.  Mungkin tidak hebat untuk ukuran orang lain.  Mungkin tidak luar biasa untuk ukuran normal dunia.  Tetapi terkadang, hal-hal kecil yang sepele di mata dunia, adalah sebuah prestasi bagi diri sendiri.  Berbanggalah.  Berbanggalah pada pilihan yang kauambil, kehebatan yang berhasil kaubuktikan pada diri sendiri.  

Lakukanlah dengan cinta.  Maka cintamu akan menjadi kekuatan dan inspirasi.  Lakukanlah dengan cinta, karena itu akan membuatmu bahagia.

With love

It sounds like a cliché when we say that everything done with love, will always produce something good.  But as days gone by, probably all the clichés are there because they have been proven through time and experience.

We don’t have to be that talented, smart and great to produce extraordinary things.  We might even need to redefine “greatness” itself, because it is always open and subjective.

Don’t be afraid to try new things.  Don’t be afraid to fail.  Don’t be afraid to look weaker than others.  Don’t be afraid to lose.

Do everything with love.  And whatever you do will be great.  You will be great in your own ways.  Probably you are not great for others.  Probably what you do is not extraordinary in the eyes of the world.  But sometimes, a small thing in the eyes of the world is an achievement for yourself.  Be proud.  Be proud of your own choices, the greatness that you have proven to yourself.

Do everything with love.  Your love will become your strength and inspiration.  Do everything with love, because it will bring you happiness.

That day I asked you, what your dreams are, or were, or had been, or have been…..  And it took some time before you actually started.  Probably you thought it was a ’schtupid’ question, probably you thought your answers would be ’schtupid’ answers.  But the truth is, I was just dying to hear you talk about yourself.

And do you remember what I told you in return?  How I ended up talking for hours about how I believe that my dreams will come true, no matter how long it takes, and how winding the roads to get there will be?  And how close I was to thinking that I was just being ridiculous and was more than ready to abandon everything, and be ‘normal’?

I am not a great person.  I am not a very successful person.  I am not always happy.  I don’t have tons of money in my account.  I am not famous.  I don’t even have more than 10 friends. But those things were not my dreams.

I am a teacher, or at least, had been one.  I grew up thinking that I want to be a teacher.  And I grew up to become one.  I taught Javanese in the USA.  Take that

Along my journey, I once thought, how interesting it would be, if I could work as a translator and interpreter.  It sounds like a challenging and equally rewarding thing to do.  And years later, years and years later, at a point when I actually forgot that I had thought about that…. I actually became one.  I became a translator and interpreter.

This one thing fulfilled not only one, but two thoughts that I thought were wishful thinking.  I was thinking how wonderful it would be, to be able to work for a non governmental organization, working and thinking that you could make a difference.  That you have a place in the world in which what you do is not only for yourself.  And I became a translator for an NGO.

I dance.  I danced as a child.  I danced abroad.  I danced.  It made me happy.  I danced Javanese dance in the USA.  ‘Nuff said.

I write.  I am not a very good writer.  I ended up writing sappy poems about myself, what I went through.  About good days, and bad days…. About people I love, I hate, people I would love to hate.  One poem got included in an anthology.  That is enough, at least for me.

I made friends. Not a lot of them.  But I made friends.

I love.  I love my life.  I love through the words I said to you.  I love through the smile I wear on my lips.  I love through the rhythm of the dances I performed.  I love through the classes I went to.  And I have been loved in return. 

I wish I could tell you, how much it meant to me when you told me that I inspired you.  Because today, I am sitting here, writing this letter to you, wishing that I could say exactly the same thing to every single person who have been inspiring me. 

Every single one of them.

Some people drove me with pain, longing, rejection, and the thought that I should never let anyone made me go through that pain ever again.  Some people made me hate them so much that I was more than eager to prove that I am worthy of their respect.

But you know, they are not the ones who got me traveling the furthest distance.  Anger only gets you so far. 

I met people who believed in me.  Saying small things to encourage me.  Giving me positive energy to go on, and focusing on what I did right, not the ones I did wrong.  And don’t ask me when I started focusing on the positivism instead of the negativity, I wish I could tell you.  They held my hands.  They caressed my heart.  They fed my soul.  And made me believe that I do have something good to contribute to LIFE. 

Let me hold your hands today.  I cannot tell you that you can make it through.  I cannot tell you how long this pain will last, until you find your peace, your piece, and your place in the world.  I cannot tell you if it ever ends.  All I can tell you is that I am still working on it, but I know I can make it through.  But not alone.

And let me pay my due, by being there for you, in my own small ways, hoping that I can inspire you.

Believe in yourself, and find your dreams.

Life is not easy.  We are not meant to sail it through.  We are meant to fight.  But we are not meant to fight for nothing.  We are not meant to experience only pain.  We are meant to be happy.  We are meant to be meaningful.  We are who we are for a reason.  And that reason, is the one we should find.

Let me be your hero.  If only for a day.  If only for a week.  If only for a month.  A year.  A decade.  A lifetime. 

If there is love in the world, find it.  Focus on it.  Because this difficult life is too precious to see with a pair of dark glasses.  Open your heart to the positive vibes that the world sends your direction.

Remember, I love you.  Let’s grow up together. Stand for each other.  Isn’t that what friends are for?