Somebody had just told me how he thought I was an outgoing and bubbly personality… another said that she loved the fact that no matter what, all my pictures always show me smiling, or even…laughing.
I got recruited to become a salsa instructor because of "the attitude, energy and smile that you always bring into the sessions…", and on a farewell note a senior instructor wrote that they will miss ‘the radiant smile". What they never knew was that I always smiled it off whenever I made a wrong step, missed a lead… and being a beginner, that happened A LOT 
All in all, it is a mystery, to me. People always laugh at me whenever I tell them that I have always had this self image of this little shy girl, standing somewhere near the corner in every place where there are more than 4 people in it. They thought I was trying to make a wry joke. Truth is, that IS the way I see myself, and time and time again, I am always surprised to see how people react to the SMILE. And sometimes, I don’t want to smile. As I was sitting through my farewell parties, last conversations with people who are very dear to me, all I want to do is break down and cry, but I can’t. And all the photos showed just that, a big smile across my face, while I am crying inside.
Over a year ago, somebody told me how amazed he was to see how I kept smiling in the middle of a really harsh discussion, while I kept raising my voice to match the angry crowd. See, I didn’t want to smile. And if an expert could have seen a picture of me that day, he/she would have seen my eyes dead angry, but the smile…still there.
Years ago, two professors told me that I could make a great teacher simply for the fact that I have a "smiling face" … huh?? And I thought they meant that I was chubby…. LOL
Am I a fake? Is there some sort of a defense system called "smile to everything"?
Smile brought me so much luck and opportunities. But there are times when I feel so crappy inside and just wish that people see that fragile creature inside of me, but they couldn’t go pass the smile.
I love my life. I love me. I love the fact that a part of me as simple as a smile bought me the world, literally. But I do still have that childhood dream of becoming that mysterious person everyone is dying to uncover? hahahaha… yeah right… me and mysterious? dream on…
And for you…. I smile.
Ann Arbor, April 25, 2009
