footprints of life

have you ever been in power of some sort? maybe being a leader, in small extent, or even big one?

did you like it? did you enjoy the priviledge of being able to tell people what to do, to have people looking up to you, to have your idea imposed into other people, to have your needs and interest given certain level of importance by other people…did you like it?  well, to be honest, hell you didn’t…of course you did.

have you ever complained about other leaders who treated you unfairly? who often used their power and position to get what they want and manipulate everyone on their path?

did you ever stop to think and look back? and see to your own bewilderment, that you yourself, would do exactly the same things you condemned in other people, and would find zillion of excuses to say that YOU had the reasons to do so…

hmm…? honestly? have you?

i think every leader manipulate other people.  i think every living person is manipulating other people around him or her, well, at least they are trying to. and i think that’s one of the best thing about POWER.  that somehow you have the legitimation to treat other people a certain way, just because you can. full stop.  no further argument.  but as for many other things, i believe that this saying also goes for power and having it…practise makes perfect.

some people are so used to being in power, that they take it for granted, or they already developed manipulative strategy…with style.  this is important, WITH STYLE.  the style that makes other people feel such and such, that :

1. they don’t know you are manipulating them, or
2. they just behave the way you want them to behave, fell that something is just not right, but couldn’t get their hands on what really is going on….cool,ha?

but when people are newly in possession of such a power, oh…wow…you can just see how excited they are…to exercise the power unto other people, to see for themselves that they do (finally) have some power over other people.

but we forget one thing…sometimes…

you sometimes forget that these people you are trying to suppress, are either:

1. the people who are used to being suppressed by other people in power, so they could recognize already that you are new in the business, or…
2. the people who are so used to having their own control of things, so they knew how exactly to put you out of business

so…be careful, don’t get carried away…don’t get too excited.  power is there, but it will not last.

i’m not trying to be philosophical, i just remind you on how important it is to watch your back.  (a thing that sometimes i myself forgot to do…)

you know, people are essentially good…

yeah, right…

as long as they don’t forget that they are supposed to be essentially good.

Banda Aceh, memoar of the last 25 days….

 a friend of mine came up to me and ask…"do you think to be loved is good enough?" .  and then i asked this friend of mine,"well, that depends on where you are at the moment…"

and i didn’t think too much when i said that, i just didn’t want to give a straight simple answer for such a philosophical question.

but day by day, the words i was saying came back to me…stronger…and stronger…

there are many philosophers, wise men and women, saints, sinners…who said that love is an energy beyond measure and expectation.  that love in itself keeps the world goes round.  that love….bla…bla…bla…

people also often said that you would be happier if you are loved rather than to love…

you know, i think that’s not true.

when you love somebody, you have the freedom to express yourself, and your feeling.  you pour your heart out, knowing that you take a risk…the risk of hurting your own heart, ruining your own life…and yet, love gives you the energy and strength to take the leap of faith.

when you are loved, for once, you are happy…and then you began to fear that this person is far too good to be hurt…that one day you might find that he or she has stopped loving you by the time you fall in love with him or her…that you might end up finding that you just can’t learn to love this very nice and kind person…that the chemistry doesn’t work…that this…that that….that you might end up hurting SOMEONE ELSE’S heart…ruining SOMEONE ELSE’S life…

and gosh…who would take the risk to be loved if everyone considers this risk?

and you know why you just can’t be satisfied with being loved…only and solely receiving love? somebody told me a while ago that in physics, the amount of energy is always stabil.  no energy is lost, nor created, it only changes the form.  so, if you receive that amount of energy called love…wouldn’t you feel like bursting when you don’t give as much?

the trick is…would you give it to the person you are receiving it from? or your energy goes somewhere else?

have you ever felt that you are capable of loving so much more, but you just can’t get there? that you are trying…and trying …and trying…and start asking yourself…what the hell is wrong with me? that when some people tell you, love is only 100% or nothing, and you know damn well that it’s so not true?

so…is being loved simply enough? maybe….maybe not….maybe now…maybe not later…maybe not yet…maybe….

hari ini aku bertemu teman.  mungkin aku belum bisa bilang kalau dia adalah temanku.  tetapi kami kadang-kadang berbicara sedikit di sini, sedikit di sana.

kamu tahu, aku adalah seorang guru, guru bahasa.  tetapi di dalam pekerjaanku, aku sering sekali menjadi murid.  murid yang belajar tentang hidup.  murid yang nakal dan suka sekali berdebat dengan seribu satu masalah hidup. 

berbicara…berbicara…

mendengar…dan mendengarkan…

dan berpikir.

hari ini, aku melihat air mata di mata satu orang muridku.  dan aku tidak tahu harus melakukan apa.  aku tidak bisa diam.  tapi aku tidak tahu harus berkata apa.  aku hanya bisa tersenyum, meskipun aku tahu itu hal yang seharusnya tidak aku lakukan.

aku hanya berharap bahwa dia mengerti, bahwa aku mengerti…bahwa hidup kadang-kadang tidak mudah, bahwa sering orang merasa capek dan tidak ingin berjalan terus.

tapi aku ingin dia tahu, bahwa kupikir dia akan baik-baik saja.  bahwa hidup terus berjalan, dan bahwa sakit itu akan pergi.  bahwa di matanya aku lihat energi, dan bahwa hari ini, dia sudah menjadi guru untukku.

untuk seorang "guru" di Banda Aceh, maybe you didn’t want me to see what i saw…but i did.  and i could feel the pain, and i simply didn’t know what to say.  take care…

Banda Aceh, 2 Agustus 2006 

this song….seeped into the heart of a gentle soul, and let the tears flowed…drop by drop…bit by bit…down the pale cheeks…

and as you quoted some lines of the song for me…i could only say, thank you, that was very sweet of you…

"There are six BILLION people in the world
More or less
and it makes me feel quite small
But you’re the one I love the most of all "

and as i listened…again…and again…and again…i could only say, bless your gentle soul…

cos i can’t say if i deserve to get that message you’re sending me,

i can’t even tell you how i’m feeling right now… and i guess none of us know where we’re going and what we really want from life…

but i hope, that somewhere in the future, my dear gentle soul, we can always stay friends…

so maybe it’s rather overwhelming to read these lines here, maybe it does not fit…and you know that i know you only meant that specific part of the song, not every single line…and yet…thank you…

There are nine million bicycles in Beijing
That’s a fact,
It’s a thing we can’t deny
Like the fact that I will love you till I die.

And there are nine million bicycles in Beijing
And you know that I will love you till I die!

(Katie Melua, Nine Million Bicylces, Piece by Piece)

pernahkah kau sejenak terhenyak, ketika mendengar bait-bait, kutipan kata-kata yang tak sengaja hinggap di telinga…dalam bis kota, angkutan umum, mobil pribadi, mobil pinjaman, hand phone sendiri, hand phone teman…pokoknya apa aja yang punya antena dan bisa dipakai dengar yang namanya "RADIO".

kadang menumbuhkan senyum simpul di ujung bibir, kadang memutar ulang kenangan-kenangan indah, kadang mengiris sakit luka lama yang terlanjur tertunda, kadang menjadi jitakan kecil di kepala…

mencerahkan hari yang mendung…memendungkan hari yang cerah…tergantung…

satu hari di minggu yang telah lewat, kudengar di radio dalam perjalanan ke suatu tempat dalam sebuah mobil jemputan (kayak anak SD aja ya, pakai mobil jemputan) sebuah lagu yang pernah populer beberapa tahun yang lalu.  kalau ga salah dari Ari Lasso ya…judulnya "hampa".

dan ini jadi salah satu moment yang memendungkan hariku hari itu…bukan karena lagunya lho, Mas Ari Lasso (atau sementara aku di sini, harus kubilang Bang Ari Lasso…) tapi karena mirisnya hati ini sesudah sekian lama tak mendengar lagi nada-nada itu.  seperti terlempar ke setahun yang lalu, atau mungkin lebih sedikit…hampir dua tahun yang lalu, ketika seorang pria mengirimkan kutipan bait-bait lagu ini kepadaku, dan saat itu aku merasa sangat tersanjung…

"entah di mana dirimu berada, hampa terasa hidupku tanpa dirimu…apakah di sana, kau merindukan aku, seperti diriku, yang slalu merindukanmu, selalu merindukanmu…"

tapi kini, saat pria itu sudah menjadi masa laluku, rasanya ngilu di dada, waktu mendengar lagu itu hanya selang 3 hari sesudah dia menelepon dan mengatakan, "Dik, aku masih kangen…kamu nggak kangen ya sama aku?"  terdiam, termenung…dan lenyap dalam sepi…

gimana caranya aku mengatakan, bahwa hidup harus terus berjalan.  bahwa keberadaanku saat ini yang begitu jelas bagiku, ternyata membuahkan kalimat "entah di mana, dirimu berada" dari bibirnya.  bahwa aku sudah kepalang melangkah, menapaki jalan kehidupan yang adalah sebuah pilihan, pilihan…dan pilihan…

HUAHHH…..aku terhenyak…gile bener….pengendara motor di Banda Aceh, aduh mak…seremnya…

ngerem mendadaklah abang di sampingku, sambil nyengir dia berkata, "wah, sorry Kak,ngerem mendadak, kaget ya? ngelamun Kak? mikirin pacar kakak di Jawa kah?he…he…"

"ah, Abang nih, ngantuk nih…" sambutku tersipu.."lagian, pacar saya di Aceh…" ups….

berapa hari kemudian, anehnya, di jurusan yang sama…(bukan naik labi-labi loch…masih naik mobil jemputan juga…) aku dibuat tertawa tak tertahan mendengar seorang penyiar membacakan info ringan sebagai teman makan siang.

mau tahu?  dia membacakan sebuah info dari Inggris sana (yang bahasanya kupinjam sehari-hari di sini untuk mencari sesuap nasi…) bahwa sebuah penelitian membuktikan bahwa selera laki-laki terhadap bentuk tubuh perempuan, dipengaruhi oleh lapar atau tidaknya laki-laki tersebut…oke kan?  sampai di sini jangan tertawa dulu, nanti ada saatnya.

semakin lapar laki-laki tersebut, semakin mereka menyukai perempuan bertubuh subur…hmm?  emangnya mau dimakan yah?  katanya sih, sewaktu laki-laki dalam keadaan lapar, mereka lebih toleran terhadap perempuan yang punya bentuk badan cenderung lebih montok….hmm….jadilah si penyiar menyarankan kaum perempuan bertubuh cukup subur untuk mendekati laki-laki yang sedang lapar…waduh…

don’t take it offensively ya…tersenyumlah, tertawalah, karena tertawa itu sehat…seperti aku dan abang sopir di sampingku (emang aku hobi duduk di samping bang sopir yang sedang bekerja…lho, kok jadi kayak lagu naik delman ya…)

tapi aku jadi bertanya-tanya….berhubung aku lumayan bertubuh "sehat" (alias makin sehat dari hari ke hari gitu…) dan kata cowokku yang sekarang dia suka yang tipenya agak-agak montok, jangan-jangan bener ya kecurigaanku bahwa dia sedikit underfed…alias kurang makan gitu…he…he…jangan-jangan laper melulu dia…

Hi Baby, just a small note for you…i thank the Lord (or the universe, or the Higher Power, or….) for sending you over to appreciate this "healthy" body of mine…though i often complain that you are far too thin (he…he…he…) you have a beauty of your own….as i have my own…

so, listen to the radio…it might brighten up your day, make it gloomy, make it sunny…but the beauty of life and of yourself is within your heart…and the way you see your life…

be hapyy

and sing along with the songs…