footprints of life

 a friend of mine came up to me and ask…"do you think to be loved is good enough?" .  and then i asked this friend of mine,"well, that depends on where you are at the moment…"

and i didn’t think too much when i said that, i just didn’t want to give a straight simple answer for such a philosophical question.

but day by day, the words i was saying came back to me…stronger…and stronger…

there are many philosophers, wise men and women, saints, sinners…who said that love is an energy beyond measure and expectation.  that love in itself keeps the world goes round.  that love….bla…bla…bla…

people also often said that you would be happier if you are loved rather than to love…

you know, i think that’s not true.

when you love somebody, you have the freedom to express yourself, and your feeling.  you pour your heart out, knowing that you take a risk…the risk of hurting your own heart, ruining your own life…and yet, love gives you the energy and strength to take the leap of faith.

when you are loved, for once, you are happy…and then you began to fear that this person is far too good to be hurt…that one day you might find that he or she has stopped loving you by the time you fall in love with him or her…that you might end up finding that you just can’t learn to love this very nice and kind person…that the chemistry doesn’t work…that this…that that….that you might end up hurting SOMEONE ELSE’S heart…ruining SOMEONE ELSE’S life…

and gosh…who would take the risk to be loved if everyone considers this risk?

and you know why you just can’t be satisfied with being loved…only and solely receiving love? somebody told me a while ago that in physics, the amount of energy is always stabil.  no energy is lost, nor created, it only changes the form.  so, if you receive that amount of energy called love…wouldn’t you feel like bursting when you don’t give as much?

the trick is…would you give it to the person you are receiving it from? or your energy goes somewhere else?

have you ever felt that you are capable of loving so much more, but you just can’t get there? that you are trying…and trying …and trying…and start asking yourself…what the hell is wrong with me? that when some people tell you, love is only 100% or nothing, and you know damn well that it’s so not true?

so…is being loved simply enough? maybe….maybe not….maybe now…maybe not later…maybe not yet…maybe….

hari ini aku bertemu teman.  mungkin aku belum bisa bilang kalau dia adalah temanku.  tetapi kami kadang-kadang berbicara sedikit di sini, sedikit di sana.

kamu tahu, aku adalah seorang guru, guru bahasa.  tetapi di dalam pekerjaanku, aku sering sekali menjadi murid.  murid yang belajar tentang hidup.  murid yang nakal dan suka sekali berdebat dengan seribu satu masalah hidup. 

berbicara…berbicara…

mendengar…dan mendengarkan…

dan berpikir.

hari ini, aku melihat air mata di mata satu orang muridku.  dan aku tidak tahu harus melakukan apa.  aku tidak bisa diam.  tapi aku tidak tahu harus berkata apa.  aku hanya bisa tersenyum, meskipun aku tahu itu hal yang seharusnya tidak aku lakukan.

aku hanya berharap bahwa dia mengerti, bahwa aku mengerti…bahwa hidup kadang-kadang tidak mudah, bahwa sering orang merasa capek dan tidak ingin berjalan terus.

tapi aku ingin dia tahu, bahwa kupikir dia akan baik-baik saja.  bahwa hidup terus berjalan, dan bahwa sakit itu akan pergi.  bahwa di matanya aku lihat energi, dan bahwa hari ini, dia sudah menjadi guru untukku.

untuk seorang "guru" di Banda Aceh, maybe you didn’t want me to see what i saw…but i did.  and i could feel the pain, and i simply didn’t know what to say.  take care…

Banda Aceh, 2 Agustus 2006